Today I cried at my mother’s kitchen table about being single.
She said: “Have you tried any of those weird tinder things?”
“Noooo” I cried (a lie! Of course I have mum. How else do you think Jess and I used to get lifts when you dragged us on weird country holidays).
“Look,” I said. “It’s just not going to happen for me. I know it isn’t.”
“That’s ridiculous!” mum exclaimed, “you’re beautiful!”
“Yes, but I’m fat.” I said, “and also, I just think men don’t like girls that talk, or, like, shout, or talk.”
“That’s ridiculous!” mum exclaimed.
“No, I don’t think it is,” I said, thinking of that scene from Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging in which Jas tells Georgia – “boys don’t like girls for funniness.”
“All my skinny quiet friends have boyfriends (and girlfriends – it’s 2018 for goodness sake). And NO men ever talk to me or fancy me, and I just think, look even your friends, all the single women are the ones who are really witty and smart and curvy …”
“What about Dan and Martha?”
“What about them?”
“Well Martha’s quite loud. And she’s not skinny.”
Typical. Mum is absolutely obsessed with Martha’s husband, Dan. God knows why – he’s a little pale man with a strawberry blonde receding hairline and no eyebrows. I wanted to say: “Dan is obviously a Sub and Martha is his Domme”. But it didn’t seem appropriate while crying at her kitchen table, so I just said: “Dan is quite short”.
“That’s ridiculous!” Mum exclaimed. “He’s not short!”
“He is a bit short,” I replied. “How tall is he?”
“Who do you think you are? You’re saying men don’t like you because you’re fat and now you’re saying you don’t like them just because they’re not towering giants or something?”
She had a point, I mean, obviously I would never, ever fancy Dan, but maybe it’s unhealthy to be on that tinder thing given the most information you receive about a man is their height. FYI boys, “6ft, 4 inches – that’s two measurements” perhaps deserved the slightest chuckle on the first profile I saw it on, 17,192 swipes in, it results in an eye roll/phone thrown across room. Change your bios*.
If any man wants a flawless and original bio ghostwritten by me, I will charge you 25p per character – £3.50 for true love!